A Barrel Full of Archies: A Story of Archie Heights (Originally posted at TSIC Forum) Warning: Read only at own risk. ~Saturday 1/22/00, 3:45AM, the home of Justin Gabrie~ Gabrie: But, Mommy! I wanna be a tap dancer when I grow up... ~phone rings~ Gabrie: AH!! ~falls out of bed~ Dang phone. ~picks up the phone~ Hello. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-WHAT????!!!!!!! ~hangs up~ I gotta call the others. ~Saturday 1/21/00, 3:55AM, Las Vegas~ FRY(shaking some dice): Come on, Big Daddy! Momma needs a new sjetch pad! ~tosses the dice~ GuyInTux: SNAKE EYES!!! FRY: D'OH! That puts me at *gulp* $2,000 in the hole. GuyInTux(walks up with a cell phone): Phone for you, sir. FRY(grabs the phone): Yeah? What? ~long pause~ WHAT????!!!!! ~Saturday 1/21/00, 5:00AM, home of Ken Penders~ Ken(walks out of the bathroom): I knew I shouldn't of drank all that coffee. ~phone rings~ This early? ~answers it~ Hello? Yeah..yeah....yeah...WHAT???!!!! Bernie(walks in): What's all the noise down here? Penders: Trouble is happening at Archie HQ with an extra large T!! TO THE PENDERS MOBILE!!!! Bernie: You mean the van? Penders: Uh....yeah. ~Saturday 1/21/00, 5:30AM, below Archie HQ~ Bollars(is writing somwthing down): Must..finish...next....issue. ~buzzer is heard~ THEY WANT ME UPSTAIRS!!! This is my chance to show them my stuff! ~grabs a bunch of papers & runs out of the room~ ~Saturday 1/21/00, 7:00AM, Archie HQ, Penders, FRY, Spaz, Valentino, Harvo, Allen, Bollars, & Butler are sitting around a large table in an office~ Spaz: What's going on? Allen: Do I really draw their eyes that big? Butler: They say what about my pictures of Sally? Valentino: Why am I here? I have my own book. Harvo: We're all gonna die. Penders: TIL' ALL ARE ONE! ~Gabrie bursts into the room wearing a parachute on his back with Eklund, the room goes silent~ Gabrie: Let's hurry this up. I'm diving from a plane at noon. Eklund(silently): Let's hope you're pack doesn't work. Gabrie: Say what? Eklund: Let's hope this meeting doesn't last that long, sir. Gabrie: Uh..yeah...anyways....I think you all know why we're here. Harvo(stands up): No we don't. Gabrie: You don't? Oh.. Penders: So..what's this big thing you couldn't tell us over the phone? Gabrie: I'm afraid that Sega is....taking the rights to Sonic, Tails, & Knuckles back....they think we're making them look to soft. ~gasps are heard throughout the room, Bollars faints~ Harvo: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! ~dives out the window~ Gabrie: Uh....anyways, I need you genius' to come up with a way to get the comic working again..only without Sonic, Knuckles, & Tails. Penders: THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!! Gabrie: I'm sure you all will think of something...cause if you don't we're all kinda fired. All: WHAT?! Gabrie: If we can't make the book work without the triple threat by 12:00...the boys upstairs will fire us. Allen: I think Harvo had the right idea.... Gabrie: Well...START THINKING!!! ~Saturday 1/21/00, 8:00AM, Archie HQ~ Gabrie(is asleep in his chair with a long piece of drool hanging from his mouth): Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Bollars(stands up): I GOT IT!!! Eklund(smacks Gabrie): Wake up. Gabrie: Huh? What? You thought of something? Bollars: Yes. This is my idea. Sonic, Tails, & Knuckles disappear all of a sudden & Anti-Sonic, Knuckles, & Tails show up. Zonic shows up to help everyone stop them. After Zonic fighting them for, say, 12 months by then we'll convince Sega to left us have the 3 back. Gabrie: No Sonic, Knuckles, & Tails means no Anti'Sonic, Knuckles, & Tails. Bollars: Oh.. ~sits down~ Gabrie: Next? Penders(stands up): I got it, sir. Sonic, Knuckles, & Tails die in a fight with a nameless character in a special. Then everyone must band together to fight this nameless guy. Gabrie: Hmmmmmmm. Nah. What else? Bollars(stands up): I KNOW!!! A time traveler goes back in time, kills Knuckles, Sonic, & Tails when they were kids, thus resulting in a future without them. Gabrie: Been done. Bollars: Oh. ~sits down~ Gabrie: We're gonna be here a while... ~Saturday 1/21/00, 8:55AM, Archie HQ~ Gabrie: This is getting us nowhere...& SLOWLY!!! ?????: Maybe I can help. All: FRANK STROM???!!!! Frank: Yep. Here's my idea. Monkey Khan shows up & kills Sonic, Knuckles, & Tails who Eggman had turned into zombies. Then Monkey Khan's brother shows up telling MK he's from another planet, MK & his brother die in a fight, MK goes to another dimension, he trains under the mighty & very funny King Kui to fight to monkeys from his planet that will soon show up ~Frank continues on~ Gabrie: Um...that's okay....SECURITY!!!! ~a bunch of thugs wearing shirts that say "Archie" on them run in & drag Frank away~ Gabrie: Maybe we should call in the big guns.... Allen: I'll agree with that! ~Gabrie presses a button, a wall slides to reveal a white door, the door opens & out walks-~ All: STAN LEE!!! Gabrie: Oh, great-&-mighty Stan Lee. We need your help. How can we make our comic without Tails, Knuckles, & Sonic? Stan Lee: Hmmmmmmm. ~long pause~ Stan Lee: You can't. You're all screwed. ~walks back through the white door, the wall slides back into place~ Spaz: That could not of been forseen.... To Be Continued.... Note: The conclusion is coming tomorrow. Why did I write this? Because I had to much coffee. Mage of Merford ------ Warning: Read at own risk. Hee hee. It's finally done. Tell me what you think. ~Saturday 1/22/00, 9:30AM, Archie HQ~ Gabrie: Come on, people! THINK!! Penders: That's all we got, sir. Gabrie: We're all gonna be fired. Then I'll be on the street. Then I'll be some crazy guy at the super marker yelling "Where are the Beans?". Do you all want that to happen to me? Do you want me to yell, WHERE ARE THE BEANS????!!!!! WHERE ARE THE BEANS????!!!!!! ~falls to his knees with tears in his eyes~ WHERE THE BEANS???????!!!!!!!!! ~silently weeps~ Bollars: Err... Eklund: Come on, Gabrie. I think it's time you saw the happy doctor again. ~she drags him by his hand out of the room~ Butler: Now what? Allen(looks at the window): Well, we could do like Harvo... Penders: NO!! We will not give up without a fight!! WE'RE GONNA MAKE THE BEST DANG ISSUE OF SONIC EVER WITHOUT SONIC, TAILS, & KNUCKLES!!! WE'RE GONNA DO THIS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE!!!! ~a flag with "Archie" on it appears behind Penders, heroic music is heard in the background~ Penders: And do you know why? BECAUSE WE BELONG TO THE BEST DANG COMIC COMPANY EVER!!!!! And that company's name is....Archie. Eklund(bursts into the room): THE BIG BOSS IS HERE!!! ~flag disappears, music skits to a stop, everyone starts running around yelling~ Allen: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! Eklund(presses a button): He's almost in. ~a red carpet rolls out, a sign drops that reads "Welcome Boss", Eklund spreads rose petals all over the room, everyone gets to there knees~ GuyInTights(walks in): Presenting his mighty highness...the boss, Archie. Archie(walks in): Greetings, Peasents. Bollars: Oh great & mighty boss. ~kisses his feet~ Archie: Uh...yeah. So how goes the fixing of the comic? Penders(stands up): Um...well. Archie: Good. Show me what you have so far. Penders: Err.... Spaz: We got nothing... Archie: WHAT?! That is very...bad for you all, yessssss. You have till 11:00AM. Penders: But, you said noo- Archie: I SAY 11:00AM NOW!!! Fail me...& I'll feed you to Moose. Allen: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! ~runs for the window, but is stopped by a bunch of thugs wearing the "Archie" logo~ Archie: Have fun. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~disappears in a large fireball~ Penders(quietly): We're all gonna die. Bollars(faints):.......... ~Saturday 1/22/00, 10:01AM, 59 mintues till doom, Archie HQ~ Bollars: I got it! All: WHAT?! Bollars: We hijack a plane to Mexico & we all change our names. Butler: Can I be C. Moore Butts? Hee hee hee hee. FRY: I wanta be I. P. Freely. Hee hee hee hee hee. Valentino: And I can be AStupidMoron WithNoLifeThat ReallySmells. ~everyone looks at him oddly~ Valentino: What? Penders: We're not giving up! Butler: Looks like to me we are. Penders: Fine. You can run..or you can stay & help me. Cause I'm not running. ~no one moves~ Penders: The doors are locked so you all can't get out..right? All: Uh...yeah. Allen: So are the windows. ~and so our "heros" begin the work on a new Sonic-Comic-Without-Sonic-Tails-&-Knuckles, & it was good~ Bollars: And then the FF, now without Sonic & Tails who have been zapped to another world, destroy the machine that got rid of Sonic, Knuckles, & Tails. Thus saving the day. Spaz(starts to draw the last page): Okay. Penders: Why can't the Chaotix? You mean they just sat around while all this happened? Bollars: Um....yes. FRY: Hey! What about the Secret Service? They could be the heroes ya know. Penders: Because the Chaotix are the coolest & more fans like them. Bollars: No way! The FF got along without Sonic & Tails plenty of times...now they do it without them forever. THEY'RE THE BEST!!!! Allen: I kinda like Big the Cat. He should be the hero. Valentino: No! Zonic! We can write about his adventures in other zones! Penders: We can't do that because those other zones would have SONIC, MORON!!!! Valentino: Don't call me moron! ~punches Penders~ Penders: You little- ~tackles Valentino & starts beating him with his fists~ Allen: The Secret Service could even beat the FF. Bollars: NO WHY!! ~whacks Allen with a baseball bat~ FRY: ACK!! ~hides~ Eklund(flips into the room kicking everyone): I NEVER LIKED YOU ALL!!!! FRY: Help me... Eklund(picks up FRY): Little twirp..USE A REAL NAME!! ~starts beating his head on the table~ Penders: Draw their eyes smaller!!! ~throws Allen at the wall~ Butler(picks Bollars up over his head): GIVE ME BETTER MATERIAL TO DRAW!!!! ~slams him into the ground~ Bollars: My spine..... Spaz(looks up from his drawing): What the?! BOO YEAH!! A FIGHT!!! ~pulls out a knife & holds it in his teeth will diving into the fight~ Eklund: Hai-Yah!! ~karate chops at FRY~ FRY: AH!! ~dives out of the way, Eklund hits the table breaking it in half~ Eklund: Hold still you little French Fry!! Penders: Get away from me!! Butler: LEARN TO DRAW!!! Eklund(is holding onto the ceiling, has her legs wrapped around FRY's neck): I'll snap it!! FRY: Help..me.... Spaz: AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! ~tosses the knife at Penders~ Penders(notices the knife): Uh-oh. ~suddenly the knife stops 1 inch from Penders' face..infact so does everything else, every is as still as statues, then Enerjak appears with Snively~ Enerjak: HA! This was almost to easy. Take control of Sega's minds & order them to not let Archie use Sonic, Tails, or Knuckles ever again. Then when they try to come up with a new comic there own hate drives them to kill each other....I'm a genius. Snively: Yes. And all this just because they turned me into a bad guy & you into a weak cyborg. Enerjak: I'll teach them to make me lose to that has-been Mogoul. ~notices the knife about to hit Penders~ Ow. That's gonna hurt. ~the knife disappears~ Enerjak: WHAT THE?! YOU!! Sonic: Yes, me! Tails: And me! Knuckles: And me. Yuji Naka: And me. Enerjak: I should of known you all would try to ruin my plans. Sonic: Yep. I guess you're just not that bright. Enerjak: Grrrrr. YOU WILL ALL CURSE THE DAY YOU MESSED WITH ENERJAK, FUTURE MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!!! I'll be back! ~disappears in a flash of light with Snively~ Knuckles: Wimp. Tails: What about them? ~points to the frozen Sonic Comic crew~ Yuji Naka: Don't worry. It should wear off in a few seconds. You three better get out of here before they come too. ~Sonic, Tails, & Knuckles run off as everyone starts fighting again~ Penders: What the?! Where'd the knife go? Naka: STOP!!!! Eklund(let's go of FRY): Mr. Naka? What are you doing here? Yuji Naka: Um...I've convienced Sega to let you use Sonic, Tails, & Knuckles again. Um...gotta go. ~disappears out the door~ Bollars: That was....odd. Penders(looks at the clock): It's 10:59AM.... Allen: Talk about luck. Butler: Let's get out of here. ~they all slowly walk out the door with the crisis over~ Allen: Do I really draw their eyes that big? THE END! Mage of Merford